I knew he wasn’t sh*t…. I dated him anyways

(A Lesson in Boundaries)

If you are happy in love and in a healthy relationship, you might as well skip this blog. Congrats though. If a man has never embarrassed the hell out of you or lied directly to your face more than once, then this ain’t the post for you either. If the little voice in your head told you to run but you ignored your gut, pulled up a seat, sat at the table, and proceeded to dine, then this blog is for you. This is for all my ladies who traveled down a road knowing it would lead to tears in the pillow mixed with rage that might cause irrational reactions.

What follows are personal musings about own my salacious and exciting but, at times very trash and disappointing dating life. I’ve never been this transparent publicly before. So, let me start by being completely honest with myself and all of y’all reading this. In my dating past, there has been more than one occasion where I knew better. Baby, I mean I positively, decisively and without a doubt KNEW in advance that he wasn’t sh*t but, I dated him anyways.

I had my own reasons. Sometimes you just want a lil lovin’ and companionship. That’s a very understandable human reason grounded in a basic need. Nobody wants to feel lonely. Other times, I genuinely thought the man I was dealing with would change. I mean, genuinely, wholeheartedly, real stupidly, like a big dummy. In my defense, I have worked as a public defender, school teacher, and in community so it is my modus operandi to try to care for and “save” and shape and mold those around me to be better. Overtime, I learned the valuable lesson that you can’t save anybody. Gotta let Jesus handle that.

Most commonly though, either knowingly picking or consistently keeping raggedy partners has kept me from having to be accountable in partnership. Ambiguous, spin-the-block situations with someone as equally emotionally unavailable as me “worked” until well into my 30’s. If I’m going to be all the way real, my aversion to commitment was grounded in a view I held since childhood. I still partially hold on to the belief that more often than not women lose when they are tethered to a man, whether through children, marriage, or otherwise. I will unpack that whole bag and my views about living life as a liberated woman at another time. My point here is that the whole long term situationship thing with a man who was never going to ask me to commit because he most certainly didn’t want to be held accountable himself really worked for me. Until I wanted something different.

Now I run a strict program. Ignoring all the red flags, rationalizing some bad behavior, staying in situations that weren’t feeling good a little too often for entirely too long taught me the power of a good, solid boundary. I learned to think about it like this, my life is a container and boundaries are the lid. The lid opens for what I want in it and closes for what needs to stay out. The man can be fine, the dates can be exciting, he can spend that sh*t, we can have years of history, but if I communicate a boundary and he crosses it, he gotta go. Like, immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Access revoked, privileges denied.

Once upon a time I could be very good at rationalizing my own intuition away, to my detriment. Every. Single. Time. Take it from Auntie, that gut feeling is designed to protect you. That tingle in your tummy is your instinct telling you what your mind and heart can’t process because you are blinded by the you know what. It’s like my pastor says sometimes, you know when you know that you know what you know. And my advice to ladies out here navigating this oftentimes treacherous dating terrain is to listen to yourself first. Always. To remix that beautiful D’Angelo song title, never betray yourself. Especially not for a man. Please trust your own instincts and don’t ignore them.

Reflecting on my failed dealings with men and a convo with my good, good sis helped me come to the realization that I was responsible for dragging some mess out well past its expiration date. Most often because I wanted to know why. Why did he lie? Why did he cheat? Why did he choose her over me? Why did he not want to commit? Yadda, yadda, yadda….. why, why, why??? And let me tell you, these were the situations where I was most prone to acting a fool. If you have ever sent a paragraphs-long text pouring out your heart to a man who does not care, just know I have been there too. If you are in that space and you want to know why he did you so wrong, please put your phone away and go write about it in your journal. The idea that you can ask a lying, gaslighting man to explain his feelings to you is honestly crazy. And more importantly, the why doesn’t actually matter but, how you feel absolutely does.

You should always be at the center of your world. After my last years-long relationship ended, I took a nice, extended, very healthy, fulfilling and juicy sabbatical from dating, or honestly even talking to men, to have these epiphanies. That break gave me time to fiercely and intentionally choose me first. It helped me get clear on the boundaries I needed to establish. My container has to be filled with things and people that are in line with my values and that help me experience joy. I have definitely had some heart breaks in my lifetime for sure. I absolutely understand how one of the worst things ever is having to pull yourself together when your relationship is on the fritz and you’re constantly on the verge of tears. At the same time, I have also had some genuinely beautiful loves in my life.

After all of this honesty and self-reflection, I would be remiss to completely absolve these men from some of their whack ass behaviors. Because way too many times I have seen my brilliant, beautiful, funny, dynamic, charismatic sisters enter into dealings with men lovingly, only for him to show his entire ass. One disclaimer I have is that I do not think all men are trash. There’s some good ones out here. But lately, I’ve been thinking about why it feels so much like the ones who ain’t sh*t are so ubiquitous. In my humble opinion, I do believe patriarchy, and more specifically the ways we define masculinity and manhood contributes to our societal dating woes.

In the 1830s, a vision of marketplace manhood emerged in American society. According to a piece written by Michael Kimmel, the ideal manhood rests on the accumulation of wealth, power, and status in a capitalist society. Essentially, a true man is successful in the marketplace evidenced by his money and prestige. Think athletes, rappers, millionaires, CEOs, and men with motion and influence. Similar to the marketplace, this conception of masculinity puts men in constant competition with one another. For jobs, for money, for houses, for watches, and… women.

Another conception of manhood is referred to as hegemonic masculinity. Using Gramsci’s theory of hegemony, it equates masculinity with power, strength, and the ability to dominate and control. This model prizes traits such as emotional suppression, aggression, and competitiveness. Hegemonic masculinity in action is the exercise of domination over anything feminine or tangentially associated with femininity. There are studies you can locate that discuss how the bar of American manhood and the constant pressure of competition leads to depression, stress, and other mental and physical malaise. I think both of these congruent ideals about what it means to be a man are at play in the current dating scene. The adoption of these flawed ideas by so many men, and also women, is why so many are truly suffering in relationships and love. Well, blame (some of) it on the patriarchy.

I referenced emotional unavailability a bit earlier in this post. That’s been me before. But, I also went to therapy and did the work. In a society where manliness is so strongly detached from any display of emotion (perceived as a feminine trait), a lot of these men don’t even know how they feel half the time. Let alone have the ability to communicate it. And it’s honestly quite sad. I asked a man I was hanging out with recently how he was feeling, and he acted confused by the question. His reaction was almost like, he wasn’t supposed to have feelings and if he did, he most certainly didn’t talk about them.

That’s a dangerous aspect of masculinity. Remaining stoic in the face of traumatic life events. Or, not being vulnerable or showing emotion when you genuinely love someone. The “anti-feelings” aspect of masculinity is like shaking up a bottle of soda. It eventually explodes from the pressure. I can’t even begin to imagine the impact on physical and mental health that comes from the pressure to suppress emotion.

Even I have fed into the idea that men should keep their emotions on the inside. My daddy taught me as a child “not to wear my heart on my sleeve.” So I actively tried not to cry in front of anyone for decades. I was visiting a client in jail once, and without even thinking I told the child not to cry in front of other people in lockup. He immediately told me that, “that was the problem now.” He rightly observed that young men are discouraged from showing their emotions and corrected me that it was OK for him to cry. He was absolutely right and he shut me right on up.

I truly believe social constructions of manhood leave many men without the ability to access, understand, or even process their emotions. The hegemonic model of masculinity as the ideal of power over, combined with the inability to acknowledge ones own feelings, is downright dangerous. You can read the piece from Dr. Brittney Cooper featured in The Cut, about the Shreveport mass killing of children by their own father. It is titled, “The Shreveport mass killing isn’t just about mental health.” The subtitle: “when a man shoots his wife and children, the term you are looking for is patriarchy.”

There is another observation to be made in reference to the impact of patriarchy on the dating game. Men who aren’t successful “marketplace men” i.e., who don’t have financial means, professional titles or social status, will assuage their feelings of insecurity by mistreating women. No man wants to be a “Brokey.” But Lord if he is, the patriarchy will incline him to take that unhappiness out on the women he dates. I once saw a meme to the effect of, you never want to be a man’s first bad b*tch because you will never see the sunshine again. There are a lot of high-earning, degreed, high-achieving women that can relate.

Our society’s dominant cultural conception of masculinity rests on the idea that a man provides, pays the rent, and takes care of the household by going out in the world to make money. When it comes to manhood, our societal idea of caretaking usually has nothing to do with emotional support and everything to do with financial security. What I see so often is men who are completely unable to provide for emotional needs, and the economy is such that they can’t meet monetary ones either. And that too, is a recipe for disaster.

Zora Neal Hurston wrote a short story called “Sweat.” Set in post-antebellum Florida, the story centered on a washerwoman named Delia whose husband was physically abusive toward her. The context of the fictional tale was the reality that in post-Emancipation America many Black men found it difficult to procure employment but Black women could find work in the service industry as domestic workers. As it did in the story of Delia Jones, economic realities impacted Black relationships where men clung to ideas of being the “marketplace man” but, were unable to provide.

In this instance yet again, the exercise of domination and control resulted in violence against the woman. This might be the most extreme of outcomes but, stats show Black women in the U.S. are more likely to die by homicide compared to other racial groups of women. Most often, the perpetrator is their romantic partner. That same hegemonic domination and control as an expression of manhood can manifest in emotional ways too. In lying, cheating, and manipulating to establish control.

Every since I learned about the 1965 Moynihan Report, I have always found it terribly frustrating that society positions Black women as emasculating Black men. Many of our romantic woes are tied to stereotypes of being domineering and aggressive, both traits that are associated with masculinity and considered undesirable in women. What is most aggravating is that we all co-exist within a white supremacist patriarchal society that denies all of us humanity. And here we are, so often at each others necks about relationships and love, a space that can sustain us and help us grow. But, I digress.

A piece I read recently from a brilliant writer named Danielle Lauren resonated with me so very deeply. Especially as someone who is also “an eldest daughter, Type A Capricorn, and a Black woman who has spent most of her life carrying things that weren’t entirely hers to carry.” She talks about how, “dating is where you discover that you can do everything right and still not get the outcome you wanted.” So true, so accurate. I have entirely too many women friends and acquaintances who want to be partnered, or at least loved and respected in a heterosexual relationship.

What I have most learned from my own dating life, and in particular from knocking my head up against a wall dating ain’t sh*t men, is that I refuse to betray my own heart. No matter what perceived mythical need a relationship might fulfill, no matter how much I think a person might be a great match for me, if a boundary is crossed then they are disqualified from my life, from my peace, from my energy.

I’ve also learned to just accept that the patriarchy is producing some men with troubling ideas about what establishes manhood. And in this society where critical thinking is rare, I’m seeing these ideas being adopted and shared widely on social media. That’s always been the case when it comes to social constructions though. We enact and reenact them in our everyday interactions with each other. Like I did when I told my client not to cry in jail without even thinking about it.

My concern is that I’m frequently seeing women become victims to violent exercises in masculinity that rely on power, domination, and control. And the perpetrators are never being held accountable for their actions. I’m seeing insecure men, fearful of their own sexuality and/or financial precarity, channel their feelings of inadequacy in meeting the standards of manhood into mistreating their romantic partners. Sometimes its through breaking hearts, other times it comes with breaking faces. Either way its all trash.

I don’t think the dating pool’s common qualms with love and relationships will improve until we start understanding how societal expectations around gender impact our own behaviors, especially in interpersonal relationships. That requires some individual and collective unpacking of the standards set around femininity and masculinity, and how they are policed and maintained. I also think women have to center themselves and maintain strong boundaries, if for no other reason than to keep your heart soft. I’m a grown woman still learning how to navigate a world where patriarchy compromises my own physical and emotional safety at every turn. At the end of the day though, dating a few ain’t sh*t men despite knowing better has taught me just how much patriarchy shapes our romantic encounters.

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References:

(1) Michael Kimmel wrote “Masculinity as Homophobia: Fear, Shame, and Silence in the Construction of Gender Identity. It can be found in the anthology by Paula Rothenberg titled Race, Class, and Gender in the United States: An Integrated Study (2004).

(2) The idea of hegemonic masculinity is discussed in “Toward a New Sociology of Masculinity” in Theory and Society 14(5):551-604 by Tim Carrigan, Bob Connell, and John Lee.

(3) Dr. Brittney Cooper wrote “The Shreveport Mass Killing Isn’t Just About ‘Mental Health’” Published by The Cut on April 20, 2026. Accessible at the link here: https://www.thecut.com/article/shreveport-killing-shamar-elkins-mental-health-patriarchy.html

(4) Danielle Lauren’s post, “The Black Woman’s God Complex” can be found at yourcorporatebff.substack.com